Hindi meri maatribhasha!!

This is the story of a confused soul ;confused because he happens to have taken birth in a country which has 800
mainstream languages,2000 dialects(As per Wikipedia) and one crore local and tribal languages – a place where a simple word like ‘baal’(meaning hair in hindi) could take a whole new and unimaginable connotation when spoken in some other language;a place where all manipuris are ‘singh’ but all ‘singh’ are not manipuris,a place where you need a 10GB RAM inside your peanut head just to process the slang used in these languages.

[Processing of all the slang involves huge amount of data – a project that Infosys would be more than happy to take up, only if the client is ready to pay in $; they are really good at taking up shit for money!!!]

This poor soul at a very early age of 12 comes to realize that “Maatribhasha” and “Mother tongue” are not exactly the same. One Monday morning he is made to sit in a class test where the hindi teacher asks him to write a nibandh(meaning essay in hindi) titled “Hindi meri maatribasha”and the very next Thursday he is made to fill up his library form where he scribbles the word “Bengali” against “Mother tongue:”!!!


Confused and perplexed,days go by and he realizes that the proper usage of “Choti E ,Choti U, Badi E and Badi U’ defies the very meaning of the word simplicity and is analogous to the application of Mr Einstein’s Relativity theory on a pair of wheels!!

As he grows a little old, he is faced with the biggest debacle of his life i.e, his first board exam (Matriculation ,as we call it!) .Now that I mentioned this term, lemme give you an idea of what it really is.Matriculation is an untimely over hyped waste of time at the golden age of sweet 16, an exam where a potentially challenged result is neither entertained nor accepted by the society and can lead to the following outcomes:
1. Hell freezes over.
2. You go around for the rest of your life with a tag “Looser” written all over it.
3. Your jealous neighbors are no longer jealous.
4. Your pet dog gives you a sympathetic look.

With self esteem at stake ,the poor soul realizes that he also has to pass his Hindi paper to avoid the aforesaid serious consequences and no matter how much he consoles himself, Hindi is by no means a first cousin of Bengali.

He realizes that the problem doesn’t only lie with the spellings but also with the rationale behind the grammar. It is amazing to know that seemingly lifeless objects can have a sexual side attached to them in hindi….even more baffling is the logic that defines their gender(we call it Linga in hindi).I just wonder which son of a bitch decided that there should be “choti si train” and a “chota sa rickshaw”.(for there existed neither train nor rickshaw when this language must have taken formation).

Finally one week before the exam this poor soul realizes that he is left with no other option but to do what he was always destined to do – and that is cheat!(we Indians take pride in it).So finally this kid manages to pass his hindi paper with GRACE.



At a later stage in his life, our brave Phd aspirant realizes that things are more complicated than he could have ever perceived and mistakes can bring upon ill fate without any prior notice. One Sunday afternoon during his engineering days our antagonist has a fever running.So he decides to pay the college doctor a visit.During his evolutionary days he came to know that fever (bukhar) is a disease(beemari) and that they can be used interchangeably as and when required. Too much of useless education over the last 18 years also taught him that any literature could be enriched by the usage of synonyms and like words.
So here is our Phd aspirant at the doctor’s chamber.


Antagonist: I am sick,Sir!

Gujju Doctor: Kya huwa beta?( what’s up with you,son)

Antagonist: Pyrexia,Sir!( Medical term for ‘fever’;thought it would make more sense to the doctor)

Gujju Doctor replied: Main gujju hun,angrezi kamzor hai;Hindi mein batao( Spit it out in Hindi)

What the Antagonist should have said: Main beemar hun!

What the Antagonist actually said: Main bukhar hun!(remember the power of like words for the enrichment of a language)

In no time the poor soul found himself hurled to the bed with the doctor chasing him with an axe in his hand. Later he came to know that he no longer belongs to the human race any more and has been demeaned to that of a protozoa………courtesy HINDI!!!