Bhasad Times

Ya i know you must be thinking its been ages since you have seen any kind of activity in this space apart from the one of increase in the number of profile visits. I know that you must be eagerly waiting all these months for some fresh breadth of air – some revolutionary concept that might change your pitiable state of being. And if i were to presume correctly, you ppl have no one else to look upto in this god damn place other than someone like me to shepherd you through the valley of darkness through my blogs. I therefore apologize everyone for writing my latest blog after all this while. But i justify my sense of inactivity on the following firm grounds:

1. Utter Lack of Ideas

2. Lack of time: This is where i explain to you the concept of invisible labour.I believe calvin laid back on a couch outside with a hand on his head is thinking deep and is undergoing the exercise of invisible labour. And such labour ,though intangible, adds to the national GDP in a significant manner. My contribution to my nation’s economy till date has been largely on these lines. Anyway of late ,i have been deeply concentrating on such laborious jobs thereby leaving me with no time for my fans – i sincerely apologise again.

3. Shameless disregard on the part of my audience and fan following: There are bloggers all over who seem to be apologetic towards their fans for reasons beyond human comprehension. They think their blogs have a significant impact on either the way the world works or the manner in which their readers think, so their inactivity/activity on the blog space could well bring down even the communist government in China. When i embarked on my journey as a blogger, even i thought i was a revolutionary in my own right. But reality dawned soon .So i ain’t apologetic anymore because my problem is : I don’t have a God Damn fan following. Nonetheless, it makes my life easy coz i am not used to performing under pressure – a true artist needs his space.

4. My new found interest on physical fitness.

P.S: the aforesaid point has no relation whatsoever with my blogging. It was just a cheap way to apprise you of my interests in physical fitness and of the fact that i have lost a Kg or two over the last two months – a feat i am so proud of ,that it makes me do such cheap acts of self publicity – i donnot apologise for this however. .

All said and done, now lets get down to business where i explain to you the concept of timeless sleep. Experts have exalted this concept as

1. Ground breaking,

2. Hips shaking

3. Extra terrestrial

Myth has it that this concept was devised by an oversized genius named “Khumbhakarna”. But owing to his lack of prowess in English and mathematics, he could not pen down the intricacies of this phenomena and hence he doesn’t not hold the record for inventing it on the books. In those days timeless sleep was defined as “Sleep till you drop dead”.But somehow such phenomena is rare today and hence this concept has passed through many an evolutionary phase. Each one these phases have been pioneered by greats like Garfield , Calvin , Jughead etc.

For me, it means going to sleep not knowing when to get up tomorrow. Yeah , i know i have done an exceptional job of putting such a complex concept in such simplified words – thats what fundoos are all about. But the sad part is that i haven’t experienced this phenomena for the last one year. My life over the last one year has been nothing short of being lowsy. Sant saadhu keh gaye “the emotions that you undergo while experiencing this phenomena is just a yard short of attaining Nirvan”.

But who the hell cares about nirvana anyway. I am just happy thinking its time to sleep now. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Gudnite everyone – shows over!!!

OBSCURITY IN ABSURDITY

I ENVISION A PERCEPTION BEYOND SENSES,
A FAITH WITHIN ME;
THEREBY SUSTAINED BY MY SENSES,
FOLLOWED EARNESTLY BY MY SOUL!


I CALL OUT THE SELF WITHIN MYSELF,
FOR I AM ONLY AS GOOD AS MY THOUGHTS;
AND IF EVER I FIND MYSELF ON THE VERGE OF INSANITY,
I WILL END UP FINDING FLAWS WITHIN NORMALCY!


A MAN IS A VICTIM OF HIS OWN AMBITIONS,
AND YET I STAND TALL TO CLAIM MY SUPERIORITY;
A VOID WITHIN ME THAT CAN NEVER BE BRIDGED'
FOR I SHALL WALK FOREVER IN THE AVENUE OF IGNORANCE!!


THERE REMAINS THOUSAND QUESTIONS I CANNOT ANSWER,
THERE REMAINS THOUSAND DREAMS I CANNOT FULFILL;
THERE REMAINS THOUSAND LIES I WANNA HIDE;
AND THOUSAND TRUTHS I DON'T WANNA FACE;


TRYIN TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES'
LITTLE DID I REALISE THAT IT IS A BLANK SPACE;
WITH MY MIND CHAINED AND SOUL CONSTRAINED;
DID I OPEN A BOOK THAT I CANNOT CLOSE ANYMORE?


DO I FIT IN HERE AND DO I MAKE PERFECT SENSE?
ONLY IF I COULD TELL ;
THE WISE MEN TELLS ME TO OPEN MY EYES AND LOOK OUTWARD,
I DEFY THEM -- I LOOK WITHIN!!!!!

Hindi meri maatribhasha!!

This is the story of a confused soul ;confused because he happens to have taken birth in a country which has 800
mainstream languages,2000 dialects(As per Wikipedia) and one crore local and tribal languages – a place where a simple word like ‘baal’(meaning hair in hindi) could take a whole new and unimaginable connotation when spoken in some other language;a place where all manipuris are ‘singh’ but all ‘singh’ are not manipuris,a place where you need a 10GB RAM inside your peanut head just to process the slang used in these languages.

[Processing of all the slang involves huge amount of data – a project that Infosys would be more than happy to take up, only if the client is ready to pay in $; they are really good at taking up shit for money!!!]

This poor soul at a very early age of 12 comes to realize that “Maatribhasha” and “Mother tongue” are not exactly the same. One Monday morning he is made to sit in a class test where the hindi teacher asks him to write a nibandh(meaning essay in hindi) titled “Hindi meri maatribasha”and the very next Thursday he is made to fill up his library form where he scribbles the word “Bengali” against “Mother tongue:”!!!


Confused and perplexed,days go by and he realizes that the proper usage of “Choti E ,Choti U, Badi E and Badi U’ defies the very meaning of the word simplicity and is analogous to the application of Mr Einstein’s Relativity theory on a pair of wheels!!

As he grows a little old, he is faced with the biggest debacle of his life i.e, his first board exam (Matriculation ,as we call it!) .Now that I mentioned this term, lemme give you an idea of what it really is.Matriculation is an untimely over hyped waste of time at the golden age of sweet 16, an exam where a potentially challenged result is neither entertained nor accepted by the society and can lead to the following outcomes:
1. Hell freezes over.
2. You go around for the rest of your life with a tag “Looser” written all over it.
3. Your jealous neighbors are no longer jealous.
4. Your pet dog gives you a sympathetic look.

With self esteem at stake ,the poor soul realizes that he also has to pass his Hindi paper to avoid the aforesaid serious consequences and no matter how much he consoles himself, Hindi is by no means a first cousin of Bengali.

He realizes that the problem doesn’t only lie with the spellings but also with the rationale behind the grammar. It is amazing to know that seemingly lifeless objects can have a sexual side attached to them in hindi….even more baffling is the logic that defines their gender(we call it Linga in hindi).I just wonder which son of a bitch decided that there should be “choti si train” and a “chota sa rickshaw”.(for there existed neither train nor rickshaw when this language must have taken formation).

Finally one week before the exam this poor soul realizes that he is left with no other option but to do what he was always destined to do – and that is cheat!(we Indians take pride in it).So finally this kid manages to pass his hindi paper with GRACE.



At a later stage in his life, our brave Phd aspirant realizes that things are more complicated than he could have ever perceived and mistakes can bring upon ill fate without any prior notice. One Sunday afternoon during his engineering days our antagonist has a fever running.So he decides to pay the college doctor a visit.During his evolutionary days he came to know that fever (bukhar) is a disease(beemari) and that they can be used interchangeably as and when required. Too much of useless education over the last 18 years also taught him that any literature could be enriched by the usage of synonyms and like words.
So here is our Phd aspirant at the doctor’s chamber.


Antagonist: I am sick,Sir!

Gujju Doctor: Kya huwa beta?( what’s up with you,son)

Antagonist: Pyrexia,Sir!( Medical term for ‘fever’;thought it would make more sense to the doctor)

Gujju Doctor replied: Main gujju hun,angrezi kamzor hai;Hindi mein batao( Spit it out in Hindi)

What the Antagonist should have said: Main beemar hun!

What the Antagonist actually said: Main bukhar hun!(remember the power of like words for the enrichment of a language)

In no time the poor soul found himself hurled to the bed with the doctor chasing him with an axe in his hand. Later he came to know that he no longer belongs to the human race any more and has been demeaned to that of a protozoa………courtesy HINDI!!!

The indifference

For all those who have always been happy for no reason and have commuted even their last step on posh wheels,please excuse!!
This space belongs to all those who have been to the other side of life and back.I was born in the far east,education took me to the far west,my pursuit for bread and butter drifted me to the south and I believe my next stop destination should be the CAPITOL.So as you can see i have been to places and boy did i travel!
When you travel, you ride your destiny on wheels but of late, I have found the wheels under my feet missing.I have been a frequent flier for the last two years after college,thanks to the credit card companies and their lifetime GOLD credit card offers.But things were not the same and boring two years back.
One month back i had this unusual business trip to make from Baroda to Surat.My friend suggested to skip the idea of a volvo and i complied.Finally two hours later at around 4:30 p.m. we were in the general compartment of Ahinsa Express.The train was cursing its passengers for it was full to the brim and the gujju heat in the summer time was killing.There was hardly any space for anyone to drive home his ass but i went lucky.I somehow eased(the word 'ease' is a misnomer here) myself in the corridor near the toilet.The smell of sweat from the people around and the pugnacious urinary odour from the toilet made it a perfect plot for khushwant singh's next novel.Suddenly the old man beside me shouted "baju ma khas".I looked outside from the door and i could see an old shaady station.The station was empty and the 'choudhry ki chai' was cold.The train never ever took off from there for i was in a time warp - the great escape from my lovely past.
But there was a certain irony to this plot.In a corridor where people could not find a piece of space ,i found my peace of mind.I was perfectly at home and silent.It was a trip down the memory lanes...my very own college days and the innumerable such trips that i have made.There was no money then but there were avenues to enjoy and be happy.The vada pav was delicious and the dirty clothes my very own.
I was glad to find that there is a part of it still left in me,yet things can never be the same again.I will forever be in search of sanity that i know i will never find....untill the next station passes by!!!